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I have gotten really adverse to any form of risk taking since becoming a single mom. I've worked the same position the last 10 years. Currently I have a choice between staying put and teleworking (which helps cushion the emotions of a custody split with my 3 year old) or apply for a promotion with $5k increase. Also you should accept that the kid is always going to be her #1. Make sure you know yourself well enough to know you're ok being in line behind the kid. After that, I would just say be patient. Being a single mom isn't easy, and I bet she'd appreciate someone who can work around her schedule.

Stories

By Chantal Saville

Photo © tedcraig/Twenty20

Jul 24, 2018

As if the idea of returning to the world of dating in one's mid-forties wasn't daunting enough, having sole custody of one's child at the same time brings the whole notion to a crashing halt. Or at least it did for me.

Nikki was four when her dad left and we moved in with grandma. I couldn't even imagine dating at that point. I got it into my head that, even though I had a built-in babysitter, Nikki would perceive my going out as further abandonment. Of course, most four-year-olds perceive nothing of the sort as long as their needs are met, but I worked myself into quite a state about it and decided to put off dating until she was older.

Fast forward to Nikki at age 9 and I am still not what you'd call an active dater. Trust is a big issue for me, so the very idea of letting someone into our lives is hard. But I'm also hampered by the fact that, as a sole custody parent, I don't get time off. I am with my daughter day in and day out, year round. Eharmony subscription cost. Other divorced parents who have a co-parenting relationship can leverage their time without their kids to experience the world again, but I don't have that luxury.

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While co-parents can have rules like 'any new friend won't meet the kids for 6 months,' I probably can't realistically pull that off unless I want to pay the babysitter most of my income. But exposing Nikki to someone new who might not be around in a month seems cruel, given her already uprooted childhood.

What's a mom to do? A smart mom asks other moms how they handled the same or similar situations. The problem? Of the divorced moms I know, only one did know how to handle my situation. And since she is way ahead of me in the dating game, I picked her brain a little and this is what she had to say:

1. Expect that you will feel guilty about leaving the kiddo at first but work to change your thinking: getting back into the world is about your well-being. You're entitled to a life and you're allowed to be happy and fulfilled. In fact, you'll be a better parent if you are, so drop the guilt.
2. Tell potential dates, whether you're meeting them online or otherwise, that you are a sole custody parent and so your time is limited. And no, you can't up and fly to Paris for the weekend. If they don't get that, they're not right for you.
3. If you're online dating, spend a lot of time getting to know someone before you even set up a date. You don't want to leave your kid with a babysitter just to find out that they are a dud.
4. Try to stretch out the time before your new friend meets your kids for as long as possible. You might not make the three month mark, but at least you will limit your child's exposure to people who might drop out of their lives.
5. Talk to your kids about this. You can't hide the fact that you're dating from them. You can't sneak out in the cover of darkness (unless your child is a baby), so you are better off to be honest with them. Explain that your wanting to date doesn't have anything to do with them, or how you feel about them.

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When I first broached the subject of dating with my daughter, her first reaction was, 'Why? Aren't I enough?' Lately, as boys become objects of some interest, she's starting to mellow her attitude. Also, she needs me a lot less than she used to, which makes the whole process easier.

All in all, kids are pretty resilient and they want you to be happy because when you're happy, you're in a better mood and more likely to buy ice cream. No, that's not really the reason, but it's a start. Being a sole custody parent doesn't have to mean giving up your life; it just means you have to be a little more careful in the choices you make.

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